It's Beginning....

It's becoming more real. 
The next year of my life seems--bleak. 
I understand that good can still come, but not AS good as what i had, or could have had. 
I'm started in a direction i never thought i'd go--i wanted to be more successful. 
Less of a disappointment--to myself mostly.


I don't really know how to describe what i'm feeling, but i can assure you its nothing to be envious of. I've honestly never felt like this before.


I just need to get through this weekend. Then i'll have a place--a place where i somewhat belong and can just be for the next little bit.  


I'm going to miss my people. I ALREADY miss my people and they are still here! ha........such is life.

Amid The Struggle...

I am so thankful for parents--my parents. They are so kind. They are so Christ-like. They are so loving. They give me the comfort i need to make it through.


I am so thankful for my roommate and dear friend Ashley. She is such an understanding person. I love that we can be as goofey as can be, and yet, very spiritual and very serious when we have those late night--much needed--pow wows.  I love her so much!


I am so thankful for my roommate and lovely friend Sherilyn.  She is such a righteous example to me and SO VERY cute!!  She can make me smile and laugh and be happy in the morning--she can do the impossible! I love her so much!


I'm thankful that even when i don't feel i deserve it, the Lord helps me.  He sends the people i need when i need them. He still grants me with small tender mercies. I could not ask for anything more. 


Today, it feels more possible. Today is better then yesterday--that is success right there.  Day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. As long as there is progression--as long as i'm moving.  

I Try....

It's a struggle for me to become the person i want to be--that is expected.


However, tonight i failed. Horribly.


.....now the question is--how do i move forward?

Contemplative...

So i've been thinking a lot.


I can't wait for the semester to be over for a few reasons.
          a. school won't cause me so many stress headaches
          b. i can just work and save a lot of money and not       worry about other things for a little bit
          c. i can get my wisdom teeth out
          d. i can stop wondering if things are going to happen--ill just know one way or another


...i'm starting to think i'm not good enough.  I know i shouldn't have those thoughts but sadly they are slowly creeping in.  There are so many other MAGNIFICENT girls out there, right there for the taking.  What makes me think that he would be content with me? 


...i dont really have much to offer.  I just want goodness in my life, and that is what i see around that individual.  


sheesh i dunno.  Maybe it's just the stress of so much going on right now and the lack of sleep i am experiencing .  I feel a cold coming on :(  


I am a little scared to be here for the winter break by myself.  Not scared, just sad.  I DO like katy alone time, but that might be too much.  I'm going to miss "My People!"  


Seriously though.. Especially within the last couple weeks, we have become so close and shared such deep conversations--i'm addicted!  Not to mention the tickle fights. 


I'll be fine whatever happens. I am a strong girl and i can endure anything for a short and set amount of time.  


ok.........i just don't know............i'll go finish my HW now so i can go to bed hopefully before 3.........yuck.

Ashley Rittmanic...

So. She makes me laugh a lot. 


She makes me laugh when we are at restaurants on double dates, and she makes a chicken wing with her arm trying to get out of her coat--legit.


I love that she is SO ticklish.  It is way too much fun to torment her!


She brightens my day--and my work nights when i really don't want to be there.  She is awesome and i'm stoked to spend a holiday with her.  I'm even more excited for when she is going to come to colorado some day.


Most importantly--she reads my blog. I have a groupie.....not the gross kind though.  She just--likes me.  I like her.  We like Sherilyn.....its a roommate thing ;) 

Here's The Thing...

I want this too much.  


It's probably nothing tomorrow. Just seeing the new place, dropping things off. A quick hello and goodbye.  But until it comes i don't know.  That leaves room for possibilities.  Like things starting up again--or not.  I've been here far too many times.  I'm just scared. I honestly can't handle getting another awful text ending it yet again.....


so ya.  my excitement has turned into--i don't even know. Just not what i wish to be feeling right now.  


Faith. I need to have faith. Things are going to happen as they should.  Faith is knowing, not simply believing and hoping--knowing!

Breakfast In Bed...

That is how i started my morning.  Well actually i woke up about 8 and heard my one nursing major roommate, Megan, teaching all the other girls how to check for breast cancer....so i went back to bed.  Then at like 10 i awoke to my two favorite people in the apt Ashley Rittmanic and Sherilyn McGinnis saying "Wake up cute girl!" and they brought me breakfast in bed.  They are SO wonderful.  Then we all sat in our room and ate eggs and pancakes--SO GOOD!


Then Taylor said he would work for me at the Hart--WINNING!  It was so nice to be home for a saturday and to get laundry done, clean the kitchen, visit with people, hang out with friends, and do homework.  It was wonderful to not be on my feet ALL dang day.


Tomorrow i only have to work for 5 hours AND i get to go to church.  I'm going to see Adam after work--i'm neither looking forward to it or not looking forward to it....except that is a lie.  I've been looking forward to it all week--im just nervous.  Weird emotion to have i guess but it's just been a long time since i've seen him.  We'll see---no big deal...........


So ya.  School is kicking my butt. I need to get on that and catch the heck up! but i'll be able to within the next couple of days so we're good. I'm happy, Things are wonderful.


I went to the temple yesterday--started a new journal too....ya know, for the things a little too personal to put on here--yes there are even MORE personal things i dont share with the world believe it or not!  The temple was a very dear and sweet experience.  I plan on going again on tuesday--it'll be so good to go so often.  I can't even explain how happy i am about that!


Ok, girls night with Ash tonight.  I'm looking forward to it--especially after the awkward date last night with Tan Man--most awkward human being everrrrrrrrrrr. but it was still a lot of fun :)

Let Me Just Complain A Little...

So here it is.

1. i had a lot of HW to get done before work--got NONE of it done.

2. Found out, while at work, that i have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning.

3. I have Chik-fil-a training from 9am-1pm.

4. I work Sports Authority from 1-10pm

5. We have our pre date friends coming over tomorrow at 11 when i get home

6. I have two grades to bring up in the next three weeks

7. I'm a broke joke

8. i want a man

.....ok that last ones wasn't legit. But still--i knew that i would get overwhelmed eventually, but i have done a pretty good job at avoiding it thus far. Tonight just sucks a little.

Makes sense though, because i was on such a spiritual high, good things have happened today--then something just had to get me down.  

Im still happy, just really really overwhelmed--that will be over at about 3am i suspect ;)

I got my temple recommend today!!  I wasn't expecting it till MAYBE the end of the year. He said he had been praying about me and thinking about me a lot lately, and that he knew this is what the Lord wanted.  

Also, i'm really looking forward to sunday night--hopefully that isn't a mistake. Keeping it professional though, so it's not even a problem..........

Good Things...

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn't be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something's difficult to come by, you'll do that much more to make sure it's even harder--if not impossible --to lose."   -Sarah Dessen

Tis so true.  I really have nothing else to add to that. It kind of says it all.  It makes me feel as though i'm really doing something productive with my time and energy here.  Although i don't know who "he" is, i know that he is out there. I know that everything i am doing now to make myself better is going to be worth it--for him, for us, for eternity :)

Such A Roller Coaster...

Spiritually I need this.  These experiences that seem to hurt so much have caused me to find relief through fervent prayer, scripture study, and reliance on my faith in the Lord.  

It's the hardest thing for me.  When i hurt, i like to be irrational. I like to do the temporal things that make me feel better.  But i haven't--i've learned self control.  It is SO hard, but i feel in control.  I'm in control of my emotions and my actions for the first time in my life.  

It still hurts. The pain from any emotional blow has the same impact, but my reaction makes the recovery that much quicker.  

I'm thankful.  I'm thankful to still find happiness when in any other circumstance i would want to break down and be reckless.  I can breathe. I can function. I'm strong on my own--with the help of heavenly father of course--but i don't need other people's reassurance that i'll be ok...........i know i'll be ok.

Three weeks until the semester is over.  They are going to be the busiest weeks of my life! But bring it on--i'm ready.  I'm happy to be busy.  It keeps me sane and out of trouble.

Gym tomorrow at 5am!! yes, insane, but its honestly the only time i have to work out.  These days working out is the best way to relieve stress and get out frustrations----so to the gym i go!

.........this blog things is good. It's amazing how much better i feel after getting stuff out. I just wish i was better at journaling and writing it down.  But this is kind of the same right?  It works for now.  Good thing not too many people read this soap opera ;)

Adele Speaks To My Emotions....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbz6f_xGqWI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=SPFD7A960FB2BA4ADE 


This is an ADELE playlist on youtube. Man! she just knows all the right words to explain exactly what my little heart feels.


I've decided its time to move on.  Time heals all wounds right?  Well mine are still trying to heal, but they are getting better each day. I'm becoming happy with me again, and i am ready for new experiences!! In fact i am yearning for them--in an entirely healthy way of course :)


Being home has been SO good for me.   It has made me realize what is important, and what to not take for granted.  


I've decided i want to surround myself with people that love me, and care about me, and people who want me to be around them.  I love my Family, i love my devoted friends, and i am so thankful for the things they teach me without them even knowing.  


Going back to school will be better then i thought--although i wish i could just stay here in vacation world where things are easier and wonderful.  But alas i cannot.  I'm okay with that, because my Mr. wonderful awaits somewhere out there.  My education and career are desperately calling my name.  My future awaits, and i am pleased to greet it with a smile and willing heart and mind!!

Doing Much Better....

"3.Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come here- after, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

4.For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is night at hand."

                    -Doctrine & Covenants 58: 3-4

Today is much better.  Also, i was reading my scriptures and was given this friendly reminder. I love my heavenly Father.  I am so thankful for the resources he gives me to help get me through the tough times.  One of those great resources tonight was Ashley Rittmanic. Love that girl--she is so awesome!

Alos, i learned that faith is not simply believing or hoping that something will happen...rather it is a knowledge of something.

I have faith that whatever is suppose to happen with Adam will.  My heart is content with that--for this day anyways ;)

Meloncholy......

Hmmm....im just. bleh.

I feel so lame.  All i do is work. I can't keep a guy around to save my life. My grades aren't even that impressive.  I have nothing to offer people except maybe a ride around town, or favors sometimes.  

Most the time i'm able to understand that i'm still an interesting person that people want to be around. But i am surrounded by SO MANY strong personalities that i doubt my appeal to others.  I'm ok when i am doing things--like such as work. (I know that sounds stupid, "Like such as," but i meant for it to...).

Most days i am too busy to think about what is hurting my heart, but sometimes i do get a chance to stop, and breathe, and attempt to relax....to feel.  I don't like it.  I like just ignoring the icky feelings.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm not crazy.

  Just going through a rough time, Everyone has rough times, and sometimes they last longer than an hour, or a day, or a week--sometimes even more than a month.  That's what i keep telling myself anyways, it makes me feel less pathetic i suppose.

I'm learning--once again--to be happy with myself. If you can't handle single life, then there is no way you can handle married life.  

I want to be someone worth marrying, someone worth sacrificing for....worth spending eternity with.

........That is my focus right now. Between the ups and downs---i'm going to be a better me.

hmm..

"There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you."
— Charles Bukowski 

Sadly, i feel as though i'm slowly falling back into this mindset--maybe its just this awfully hard day. I guess we'll see

Here's The Deal...

Sheesh. I'm thankful for being a human being. I'm thankful for the emotions we can feel, and the passions we can have.  But sometimes, i just don't enjoy the hurt that comes with those things.

The boy and i are no more. That is ok though because he doesn't really know what he wants, and i need to be honest with myself.  

I want Adam.

I've known that the whole time. I've known that since April--if we're really being honest. 

Adam probably wants nothing to do with me anymore though--he seems very cold towards me whenever i see him; which is almost never, so i rather relish those occasions, except not really anymore because he never seems too happy to see me.

Anyways, i was reading in D&C section 52 and verse 4 said, "And inasmuch as they are faithful unto me, it shall be made known unto them what they shall do;"  I needed that.  It is a reminder that i simply need to keep being righteous.  I need to keep working on making myself worth having around instead of looking for someone else worth having around.

The Lord knows me personally--thank goodness--and he understands how i work, how i think, and how i cope.  He blesses me with the ability to handle everyday life in a way that is compatible with the person i am.   I am so thankful for his tender mercies.  I would not be able to successfully navigate my way through this turbulent life without divine guidance and protection--no way.

Hmph......

Well. Life is stressful. more so than usual, but.......it's all good i suppose.

I Got the job at Sports Authority, and i work 15-25 hours a week there, i still work at the hart 15 hours a week, and i just got the job at Chick-fil-a.  They are building a Chik-fil-a in Idaho Falls and it doesn't open until December.  I think i might need to quit at the Hart sooner than expected--cause working everyday for two weeks straight is kind of killing me.

Speaking of the hart......i'm having a hard time letting go of Adam. I think that is all that is appropriate to say about this in such a public place. but yeah, thats on my mind often!

I'm excited about life. About the possibilities that are placed before me.  It's just figuring out what i want, and not being afraid to go for it and take it!

..........church was great today. I SO needed to hear everything that was said.  I'm thankful for the Gospel and the blessings it brings into my life and those around me.  Mostly, i am thankful for the gift of the atonement and the infinite power that it has.  

ok....i feel as though that is all i can put together right now.

The Update...

1. "Adam" ended things--over text.  I guess i can't be mad because the first time i tried to end it that is what i did.  i just thought we were better then that now.....i guess not.  

2. I got the job at Sports Authority!!!! I get 25% off everything! and so far, it works quite nicely with my hart equipment room schedule--nice!

3. My home teachers are awesome!  so awesome....i'm dating one of them.  Ya i know--peeing in the pool, yet again! i can't help it, it feels soooo gooooood.........anyways.  He is so stinkin cute.  like i can't even explain. i just notice that when i think of him i get this BIG smile on my face--i like it.

4. I am doing decently well in school.  I have two jobs and 16 credits i'm trying to accomplish right now--eeek!

5. I'm not going to Boise this weekend :( i am super bummed about that.  This trip has been planned since the beginning of the semester, but since i got this job, i have to work and stay here.  I miss Morgan soooo much! will too i guess ;)

All in all, life is so good.  Don't get me wrong--there have been very difficult days, a few tears here and there, and many moments of utter discouragement, but this path of mine is divinely guided and i see the hand of the Lord in my life every day.  I am so thankful for that. 

:)

Oh Gosh...

I feel like such a jerk.  I was really very rude to him last night.  It was nice to accidentally run into him, no doubt, but it's just ironic that it happened THAT day.  

Work was interesting. I found out things that just made me feel so....horribly embarrassed.  I felt like a fool. Unwanted. A joke......Typical :(

I am just frustrated is all.  I should have just told him that.  He asked repeatedly what was on my mind.  I'm really bad at taking those opportunities when i need to.  No matter, this is something i can learn from.  I'll explain my crazy head next time i see him.  

I loved the conversation--i always do.  But it makes me happy--incredibly so--that he trusts me.  

Alright, that's all. i'm just being plagued by my stupidity right now haha :)

When All Else Fails, Blog...

So many emotions lately.  But, life is still good.  I get very confused about people and situations and the path i am suppose to take, but then there are days and moments that are granted to me where i can see exactly where i need to go and exactly what i need to do.  It is within those days i find strength and determination to be the best i can be, even despite my downfalls and the harsh realities of this world.  

I have come to KNOW that it is a true blessing and gift that i am here.  I have met people i needed to meet, experienced things i needed to experience and learned the lesson i needed to and could have only by being here when i was.  I also know that i need to stay here.  I need to be here.  Regardless of other people--ANY other people--i need to be here for me.  Beside my loving and wonderful parents, there is nothing for me in colorado.  In order to continue growing the way i have been, i need to be in Rexburg, Idaho.  Never thought i would say that but, alas, it is true.  My roommates are wonderful, the environment is inviting of the spirit always, the people are wonderful and have so much goodness, and i am happy and successful.  

I need to be here. 

I am excited however to go home for thanksgiving to see my parents and Lucy!  I am always so happy to see them and spend some quality time with them.

I have an interview on thursday at Sports Authority in Idaho Falls.  I hope this one is promising.  I'd like to have a solid job by Nov. 2nd so i know i will be able to pay for my contract at sunrise village, also i can buy a plane ticket for christmas, and also so i can sign up for my class i need to take.  

Things are good.  They are happening how the Lord would have them happen, and as always i am learning patience---every day--sometimes even every minute.  Its a struggle, but one i am so very thankful for.

I Can't Keep Up...

I can't keep up with my own life.  Everything is ALWAYS changing! but I feel as though that means i am doing what is right.  I feel good about where I am.

School is still going decently well, I still have A's and we are like a month into school or so...? That is pretty swell.  Also, there is a boy.  No big deal, let's not get too excited--it'll probably freak him out! ;) haha for anybody who knows the story--that right there is funny, maybe a little harsh though.  We are going to give it another go.  He makes me happy, and i'm comfortable talking to him, and we click in a lot of ways; im excited to see him and when he texts me i get those stupid little butterflies in my tummy....that hasn't happened since "Adam" and so i do not want to give up the possibility of something good.  I'm moving on, but i'm happy with it--mostly :)  Anyways, i'm still happy with me, i do not need a guys interest in me to ensure i'm worth something, and that is SO freeing. I love it!

Also, i love making friends.  I have met so many people in the last couple months--and especially the last couple weeks--that i just absolutely adore! people have so much to offer and they are just so great to have around.  I decided i like being social--or whatever--i like being there for people.  College is such a great experience that just seems to get better and better with each new day.  

I know i've said it before but, seriously, EVERYDAY i learn something new, or my view on certain--often time "Controversial"--topics change.  I think the change is in a good way, almost as if the Lord is telling me to put aside my pride and natural man thoughts and just open my heart to what is true--not necessarily popular or easy--but true.

Anywho.  I love tuesdays. Class gets out at 11:15, devotional, lunch, nap, and then the not so great part--work.  It'll be a good day though :)

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings....

So.  The Lord is just really looking out for me and my family lately.  It is SO swell.  My wonderful Father got his CDL License and i could not be more proud or more excited for the good things ahead for them.

Also, i love my bishop and Stake President. They are absolutely fantastic!  So firm and no none sense, but very loving and just worried about saving souls.  I am so blessed to have them helping me and everyone within their ward and stake.  

I have a job interview today at a hotel in Idaho Falls.  If i get it...oh man, oh man.  Possibilities.  I just fear that not all will want to take advantage of such possibilities....hahaha....haha...ha....ummm, ya.  If not, at least i'll know for sure, and besides this is a great opportunity for me even just by itself.  Plus that means i have a job for the winter, which means i can take that BIO 230 class and then apply to the Social Work Program sooner! I just wanna get on with it, i want to be into my career alreadyyyyy.

So.  When everything was so incredibly stressful and like it wouldn't fall into place--i felt peace.  Then it all came together.  slowly but surely things are working together for my good.  

I got a blessing from my wonderful home teachers yesterday and what i remember from it is that they blessed me to know why i make the decisions i make and that i can feel confident in the decisions i make.  I feel like i needed that so much.  There have been decisions that i haven't understood when i made them, but knew that they were right.  More and more my faith is growing and i am coming to a better understanding of how to trust in the Lord--he knows the end from the beginning.  

Things are still hard, but i am happy and very hopeful for the future.  Good things to come i'm sure :)

Birthday...

It was phenomenal.  No big party, no extravagant gifts, and nothing too out of the ordinary--its was perfect!  The people are what make it great, and i had great people.  I could feel the love of those that were here with me and those that were far away.  The birthday calls and the birthday cards full of love---the best.  

I am so thankful for the friends that i have, and the new ones i have recently made.  Everyone has so much to offer because they are such great people with goodness in them.  

Things are good. I'm happy. I'm moving forward and growing each day.  It's funny because i always think, "ok, that was a good thing i just learned, now i can just be for a little bit" but no! its seriously like EVERYDAY that people teach me something wonderful about life. Grateful--that's all i am.

Happy Post golden birthday everyone! :)

Be Still My Soul...

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

My heart is just really heavy right now--im not even entirely sure why.  But this song has been stuck in my head all morning and so i finally looked up the lyrics. Inspired.

Hmmm...

Very insightful Talk today.  It kind of made me really sad--but in a good way?

He is so great, and makes me want to be better.  I see only goodness.
 

I have a lot of growing up to do....things are in better perspective now.

My Daddy....

He has told me this more and more as of late.  I suppose he gets tired of seeing me put my all into a relationship with someone who could honestly care less.  But i came across this and it reminded me of his wise words. 

Today, Morgan and i decided to write letters to ourselves, then give them to each other to send back to ourselves in a year.  I started writing mine--it's going to be a nice novel read when i get finished.  I truly hope that the things i write can help me in a year from now.  Some of the things i have written so far seem odd to me--but i can only assume that i'll need to hear them when i read them again.

I am very excited to get it--even though i already know what it says haha.   

I have written about people that are prominent in my life right now--it'll be interesting to see where they are in a year.  Still there. Far Away. Will i remember them? Oh of course--unfortunately i never forget the people i make a priority in my life.  They tend to forget me, but i never forget something i've investing my heart and soul in.  

I leave on thursday.  Before then i must:

1. Pack my apartment

2. clean my apartment

3. some how come up with $60 more dollars

4. take boxes to my bros house

5. Pack my car

6. get my window somehow miraculously fixed

7. .......i feel like there is so much more, i guess we will just see what i remember in the next 3 days.

AHHHH! 3 dayssssss! i cannot even wait!

FHE was great tonight.  I like my bros and sisters very much.  to bad thats the last activity with them :/

ok-goodnight!

I've Decided....

The Lord knows what I need more than I do.  I just wish that he would give me a little more insight sometimes--haha.  

Also, I do not like fake people. Not necessarily fake but--inconsiderate.  I feel like, as a fellow human being, that i deserve the straight forward truthfulness that a person has the capability of offering.  Make up your mind and let people know.  Don't make excuses, and don't try to drag things on longer then they need to be.  Life is short--too short!  Too short to be left wondering, trying to fix something that doesn't have a chance, and too short to be left unhappy when really--you have everything in the world to celebrate.

Which brings me to my next thought.  I am so blessed, and so thankful for my life.  In a world where there are so many health problems, mental ailments, diseases, tragedies, etc., i am so blessed to not be plagued with any of that.  Granted, i have problems of my own--but to me they all seem very manageable and simply temporary. In a world where there are so many things to plague our bodies and minds both naturally and brought on by man's stupid mistakes/decisions, i have been blessed to escape it all thus far.  I know that tragedy does fall upon everyone, and i am not of the mind set that "It could never happen to me."  I am simply thankful for the blessings in my life that have spared me such pains so far.  

I do also know that, when seemingly insurmountable trials do come---and i realize full well that they will undoubtedly come--they will only make me and my family stronger. When hard times come, it is because HF knows that we are ready to grow.  Simple as that. 

.......Not sure if this makes sense as i sit here typing it out.  I have a hard time getting what is in my head out onto into words and sentences that make sense or that mean what i am trying to say.  Oh well, i know what i mean and that is good enough--besides, who really reads this thing anyways :)

Finally, on a somewhat more sad note--I watched this today.  It is a truly inspired message that just hit home more then i thought it would. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWQ5dPeixdw )  I'll admit i got teary eyed. Maybe cried a little. And sat in awe at how real this is.

No Experience Is EVER Wasted...

^^^Wise words from a wise woman.

I decided that I will make a great wife to fight with.  When i am mad or upset or angry--i'll just clean the whole dang house. Sweet deal eh?  I just cleaned a good portion of the apartment, and honestly, I am feeling good right now--a little less pathetic, which is great! 

Staying home was a good idea.  I know myself, and this is what i needed.

I found this quote, and I love it, and also i try to live it.  of course i slip up, and let the natural man get the best of me--but i try my best........

"Rules For Doing Good:

Do all the good you can, 

In all the ways you can, 

To all the people you can, 

In every place you can, 

At all the times you can,

As long as ever you can."

Agreed.

Welp....

so i did it.  

However, I couldn't just say the words. I NEEDED to SAY the words. But i couldn't.

It really is for the better though, and i know that.  

I guess I am just sad that yet again, im even less important than I thought. 
I'm easy to toy with, and even easier to let go.

Wonderful.

I also realize that it was nothing--really.  Except in all reality it was somewhat of my focus for the last 3 or 4 months so it's not really nothing at all. It was something--if only to me.
No matter.  Its better to learn to not want that, then to be unhappy only having a little here and there giving me false hope. 

.........ok. no more dramatic. I leave for home in exactly a week. I'm stoked.

3 Little Words...

In 3 words i can sum up everything i have learned about life...

It Goes On....

Happiness :)

For a long time it seemed to me that

life was about to begin--real life, but

there was always some obstacle in the 

way, something to be gotten through

first, some unfinished business, time

still to be served, a debt to be paid.

At last it dawned on me that these

obstacles were my life. This perspective 

has helped me to see there is no way

to happiness. Happiness is the way. so

treasure every moment you have and

remember that time waits for no one. 

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

                                   -Souza

I'm On The Edge Of Glory...

Gosh. Tonight--interesting.  For the first time in quite a while i was legitimately offended.  I know we choose to be offended but goodness, i was seriously unhappy.  Relationships and such are my thing.  Like that is something that i am really good at.  I like caring for people and being the rock that people can lean on.  I am a good girlfriend, dare i even say great.  Ask anyone. I am fiercely faithful and do whatever i can to build my relationships on trust--so when what's his face continues to go on about how i would not make a good spouse in the future and that the way i conduct myself in relationships is wrong and unfaithful---ya i got a little pissed.   great night--until that little spat.  I'm not a grudge holder, but this was just a little unsettling. 

But then, i got to thinking.  Breakups are harsh. People say mean things.  Things that cut deep.  I don't want to deal with that. It hurts. I'm scared. I'm tired. I don't want to do it---not right now anyways.  Besides, after this semester---the one that started out so successful--i need to learn to be happy solely with myself again.  All this second guessing myself and wondering what's wrong with me that i'm not good enough crap has got to go--as well as those individuals who have helped to instill those ideas in my head. 

I realize that this post seem super dramatic and like i hate the world, but never fear.  I'm still happy. I still love people. I am still very thankful for my experiences and the lessons learned from them.  Each day i become a stronger more capable Katy--and for that i am grateful.  This was just a bit of venting--which is what a blog can be good for right?? Right.

"Edge Of Glory" by Lady Gaga ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeWBS0JBNzQ )

This Is Where We Use To Lived...

The Song is "The Old Apartment" by the Barenaked Ladies. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ggJS0p-QQc )

Now--My trip to Washington.  It was what i needed i think.  Not only to support my little man Ashton, but to come to a few realizations that I needed to, well, realize......

I'm just going to post a bunch of pictures pretty much.  We spent a lot of time in the car, and hiking/site seeing.  The kids were super cute and i miss them already so much! 

There was this one moment in time when all awkwardness melted away.  Judgments were gone. Happiness was present. The warmth of a family glow lingered for a minute or two.  It was almost that picture perfect scene that you see on tv--but it was real, and had not happened in quite some time.  It was simple enough: Chris and Merrill in the front playing basketball with the kids while Alison drove Driggs around on the bike.  Grandparents and Aunts sitting and watching, smiling--dare i say laughing and enjoying themselves.  It was bliss, even if only for those 5 or 10 minutes.  I've learned to never take moments like that for granted---you don't know when they will come again. 

Picture time:

Tanner and Brayden were very into my fake RayBans.  (Some have called them tacky--but we won't name names or take offense, because we know these sun glasses are awesome!)

Brayden was fun to watch sleep--in a non creeper way.  He had some interesting sleeping positions.  This one was the winner :)

McCall.  She is a beautiful girl.  Her fire red hair, which matches her personality perfectly, and her light blue eyes. look out boys!

 Shoshone falls.  You know on the movie "UP" how they want to go and live on the edge of paradise falls?  I want to live on the edge of Shoshone falls.  Oh and i still want to adopt a chubby asian and name him Russell.  FYI future Mr. Rickertsen ;)

Then there is Brayden being all stinkin cute! i Love that little boy :)

They were being statues......the longest i have seen them hold still for-----45 seconds or so haha

Once we got to Washington we went for a hike to some more wonderful waterfalls.  They were quite spectacular as well.   The hike was absolutely beautiful. 

Brayden and Tanner kept picking me flowers.  This is just one of many from the bouquet of flowers i collected.

 

I absolutely L-O-V-E-D being able to spend the weekend with these sweet kids.  They are wonderful and made me feel just genuinely happy. 

Avery and her salamander "Stickey."  She was like me little girl--although i am only her aunt, we were so stinkin close before she left.  I miss her like crazy and our bonding experiences.  It was so great to see her....she has lost like SIX teeth! 

The man of the hour Ashton Stone Hemming.  I am so proud of this boy.  Through it all he still made the decision to get baptized.  He was so excited.  He is such a great example to those around him :)

Pictures with some of my favorite people.  Alison is a freakin rockstar and i realized after seeing her and talking with her after more than a year, that i miss her more then i ever though possible.  It was wonderful to see her and get time to hang out.

The grand kiddies, minus Driggs.  McCall was having a rough time as you can see--she was less than thrilled to pose for pictures...

That is one photogenic family :)

Ok. Whew! sorry for the lack of details.  I'm lucky i even put up what i did cause i'm just so dang lazy with this blog lately that i don't feel like doing much to update it.   Hopefully that will change. Enjoy :)