I'm A Fan...

...Of this being happy thing.

So since i've made some changes--which will remain personal and unspoken for right now--i've become so much happier. 

It's only been a couple days--but i can see a difference just from baby steps.

I think i was trying to fix everything at once. Maybe pretend it all never happened...?  I'm not entirely sure.  But that would make the most sense.  

The hurt, the pain, the whole repentance process is challenging; it is emotionally draining; it is terrifying.....or so one is lead to believe.  The only terrifying part is starting, getting through that first step and letting go of whatever it is that has been holding you back.  The hardest part is realizing that you need help, that you cannot do it alone. The hardest part is turning yourself over to a being so perfect--one you feel should not have to suffer for your stupidity and selfishness--and letting him carry the burden.  Its hard--so incredibly hard, but nonetheless critical.

I'm thankful for this day. I'm thankful for my ability and the opportunity to right the wrongs. I'm thankful for the love of my heavenly Father and my earthly parents.  

Most of all, today, i am thankful for the sincerity of children. Their joy is so genuine, their thoughts and words so blunt and true. Their innocence is something to be cherished. I'm thankful for the tiny humans and the lessons they teach me without straying one bit from their normal behavior. 

Its' True...

The Lord really does know us individually, he really does care about the little things in our lives, and he really does answer prayers.

Case in point....

         I didn't really have the means to go to rexburg this weekend to see my people (Choice #1 always!) and so, this morning when i said my prayers it was something along the lines of, "I would like to have something to do tonight. I enjoy having time to myself at home--but i've had enough of that lately. So if something fun to do tonight could happen, that would be great--if not, i understand."  Something like that.  About an hour into work my brother texted and asked me to babysit. Winning! There was my thing to do tonight.

I spent the night with my baby nephew Colby in my arms, McCall laying on my lap, and Brayden and Tanner on the couch watching Kung Fu Panda. Perfect.  Could not have asked for a better night.  

Colby is such a precious tiny human, i love him so much and i have only known him for a little while.  

When Mo and Alicia got home we read scriptures, sang songs and said prayers.  The feeling there was SO good.  I was wanted. The kids love me, and i love them so incredibly much. 

Heavenly father cares about me. He cares about my feelings and emotions. He listens when i talk to him. He wants me to be happy.

Today was a good day.

I Just Love The Goo Goo Dolls.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je8mrb31D1g

And I feel,
All the faint morning light,
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life,
And we've gone,
From the edge of our souls,
Made it back to a place we call home.

You, see me through,
I was alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

I feel wrong,
I'm so human and flawed,
I break down even though I'm still strong,
And time, will make fools of us all,
Builds us up, and then laughs when we fall.

You, pull me through,
When I'm alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

You're the sound of redemption,
The faith that I've lost,
The answers I'm seeking no matter the cost,
You opened the window,
Now I can see,
And you taught me forgiveness by giving your love back to me.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart,
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

Oh I feel,
All the faint morning light,
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life.

How Sweet...

by Jake Christie

A SUBTLE KIND OF LOVE.
a story.

He loved her in a distant kind of way, the same way the sun heats the Earth. If she were to disappear completely, he knew through pure logic that it would have no great, disastrous effect on him. He would not cease to be; he would not stop breathing; his heart would not stop beating; the world would not stop spinning. The sun would keep shining, radiating heat, if the Earth were not there. On a certain, purely physical level, her absence would have absolutely zero effect on his person.

And yet...

He loved her in an abstract kind of way, the way a bee loves honey. He wasn't sure why he wanted to love her, but he wanted to love her just the same. Maybe somebody told him once that he should be in love with somebody, so he felt a need to pick somebody and it just so happened to be her. Maybe. Being in love was nice, sure, but he didn't need to be.

And yet...

He loved her in a removed kind of way, the way a butterfly's wings can start a tsunami halfway around the world. He knew that it had an effect on her, but he wasn't sure how great. On a certain level he was aware that if he were to stop, if he were to disappear, it would have a drastic effect. For him it would be one less flap of his wings, in a manner of speaking, if such a thing were possible without him falling from the sky.

And yet...

He loved her in a subtle kind of way. It wasn't the kind of love you see in movies, with swelling music and giant gestures and running through the streets to catch a departing train. It wasn't the kind of love that Byron or Shakespeare wrote about, with flowery language and hyperbole and iambic pentameter. It was still and deep, like water that you might mistake for shallow if you just watched the surface. It was entirely his, not dependent on her own feelings for him, and it would still be there whether she, or him, or everyone else on the world disappeared. It was a subtle kind of love, but it was true.

And she loved him just the same.

I Wonder...

All those love songs, ya know, with men singing about how they can't wait to get home to see 'her,' how 'she' fills their thoughts all day long, how 'her' beauty is staggering to them, how they love to watch 'her' sleep, how they couldn't see themselves living another day without 'her,' how they miss 'her' and can't wait to see 'her again and wrap 'her' up in their arms and draw 'her' near---I wonder if those men really feel that way about a girl. Are they singing about an actual woman who consumes them and brings so much happiness to their lives.....or are they just playing on every other girls emotions??

I can't figure it out.  I don't feel as though i could ever have a guy feel that way about me. All my experience--or lack there of--has shown that i'll always want them more, that i'll always be consumed with their happiness and with seeing them again and wanting to be with them, while i'm like thought 5 or 6 in the back of there mind--something to get around to when it's convenient.  Unfortunate.

Not trying to throw a pitty party--I have a great life, good friends, and many blessings.  It's just something i've been thinking about lately.  I have lots of time to think and listen to music---that's what i've come up with.

All i know is, i want a champion. I want someone who takes the time to show me that i'm a very important part of their being--they don't make me try and just remember.  He's going to be magnificent--the best. I know that to be true--and because of that, i'm prepared to wait as long as it takes until he gets here.

I'm not just selfishly wanting someone to be consumed with me and my every fiber--that's not how it should be at all.  I want to be something good for him-yes-but i want to DO good for him.  It'll be my goal each day to make the ordinary extraordinary.  My love for him will be very evident.  He'll be able to see it in the way i look at him, in the way i talk to him, in the way i kiss him, in the quiet little things i do for him.  I'm always looking forward to the time when i can be with someone that i'm not scared of loosing and who knows that they forever have me.  

Everything is a process. Everything is preparatory. And now--at a time when i have set myself even farther back and ever farther away from this goal i realize that i have a lot of learning and a lot of growing--but that is never over, its a process that i'll need to diligently continue for the rest of my life.

I get bitter.  I have a problem with pride. But there are those very few, and very rare occasions where i will admit to this bitterness and pride and open up.  I suppose tonight is one of those times. granted i'm alone so i can't really tell anyone....so this is the best thats going to come of it.....

....i want to be where i was. I want to be not so fragile and emotional. I want to be in a place where i can trust myself and have others trust me. I want to be in a different place then this--i'm sick of being here.  With that said--i'm doing everything i can to get away from HERE.  THERE is where i want to be.  It's possible--even with everything making me feel like it's impossible. It's Not. 

Things are good. My heart just hearts a little more than usual right now. But i have good things to look forward to this weekend.  Great celebrations and even better people.

If It's On The Blog, It's Fact/Legit.....

So let me just clarify some very important things :)

1. Ashley Rittmanic, Sherilyn McGinnis, John Yoblon........, are such wonderful friends! I always have such a good time with them.  They make my heart warm and happy. I am SO very blessed to have them in my life.

2. I'm Happy when i am around good people and when i am being productive and moving forward--who'd a though it....

3. No more Jake in my life. That's final.  Hard, difficult, unfortunate--but final!

4. "Life is full of a lot of little somethings" -Sherilyn  :)

5. I'm a red head......going back to blonde next time. 

6. I'm So Blessed--each and every day. 

Ok, that is all for now--just remember that everything on here is F-A-C-T....teehee.

Cause I Care For Him A Lot...

But apparently i am naive. 

Apparently he knows EXACTLY what he means to me--and still he creates this distance, but still pretends to be interested....?

If this isnt confusing i don't know what is. 

All i can say is that that conversation did not sit well with me. I even almost told him things i've been dying to for weeks now--so glad i didn't.

End decision--No more effort towards him. In fact, i will do what i can to avoid him. I'LL create the distance that I need to be able to move on--ya know, so i can  naively fall for the next charming guy i think is absolutely wonderful, then be assured after months of him proving himself so, that i'm not good enough...ya know cause i'm 20--i have no experience.

Such a swell night turned so utterly awful--great.

I Wish...

I wish I could have a guy feel this way about me--how cliche right? Every girl wants this, at least i'm not alone in that haha. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2U9_jTuk68&feature=fvst)

Honestly, I'd just like to meet you already--i want to know you exist, cause quite frankly, i don't think that you do! sheesh. i need to be patient. And i am--in all the right ways too, i promise you that. 

For now, i will just do me. That's all i can do, that's all my emotions can handle :)

......Off to the Chik-Fil-a......couldn't be more sarcastically thrilled!    I kid, I kid, im really thankful for this job.  I can't wait till friday when i get to see Sherilyn and Ashley!!!

It;s Simple...

When i'm forced--i resist. 

I need people to be there--I very much appreciate it in fact. But I do not need them to force themselves on me--i cannot handle that. I'm far less likely to ACTUALLY open up to them if they are forcing me to.  

Just sayin. 

I have a process. It's different then yours. It's my own--but it's seemed to work for the last 20 years so how bout you just let me stick to it......

Thanks

Such Is Life...

I was doing so well.

Went home for the weekend.  Got to see my parents, my best friend, and my football team win!

Great few days. I NEEDED to see my parents. I have missed them so. 

Then today--the start of this week...aweful.  I feel like crap.

I feel like a wreck of a person. Me, along with my emotions, are very fragile today.  

But, one upside--Aaron is here in town.  I got to see him today.  I was able to talk to him and tell him how i was REALLY feeling and i didn't feel judged. He gets me. I love that kid. One of the best friends i have ever had.

Ugh. I know it'll work out, even if it takes a heck of a lot longer then i wish it would.  It'll come together--i just need to keep faith.......its possible--just difficult right now.

Whew....

Long time no blog--my bad.


Here is the situation and a little catch up.


1. I moved to Idaho Falls, right by the temple, which i thought was a really nice place--then i found out it was the ghetto...i still love it, regardless.


2. i don't have internet at my new place cause that is a waste of my lack of money, and THAT is why i haven't blogged in FOREVER!


3. I work all the stinking time so my social life is lacking.  If i don't work till 11 or midnight i come home at about 8 or 9 and watch a redbox--im such a baller.  




I guess that is all for the update.


Im slowly becoming accustomed to living alone.  I really do not enjoy coming home to an empty apartment.  Its hard to go to that after having an Ashley and a Sherilyn to come home to for 4 ish months.  That right there is a little hard for me.


My sleeping patterns are--interesting.  I do what i can to get enough hours of sleep, but when i do actually sleep i dream about work, i talk in my sleep and i toss and turn a lot--like i said, interesting.  The last couple nights have been getting better and i LOVE IT!  My bed is super comfy though.  My wonderful mother bought it for me when she came and helped me move.  Its a memory foam mattress--winning!


I spent Christmas at my brothers in Ammon--those little kiddos are TOO precious.  It was a good feeling there and i loved being welcomed to a home for christmas.  


I spent New Years with Ashley and Sherilyn at Ashley's Aunt's house.  Honestly--the best new years i have had in a long while.  The past 3 or 4 years have been-unrighteous, too "glamourous," and not heart warming. (Of course my own doing/fault).  But this one was wonderful.  We played games, ate food, attempted to take naps but just tickled each other instead ;), and then finally at midnight we banged pots and pans together on the front porch and screamed at the top of our lungs.  my heart was so happy.  Then people in the distance let lanterns go like on Tangled and so we watched from the balcony. 


Just below was a cute sight to see for me.  Ashley's mom and dad were in a very warming and kind embrace and they were talking about how long they had ben together--something like 29 years--and then they talked about where they were a year ago and where they were going to be in a year.  It was sweet and it touched my heart greatly.  I felt so blessed to have been there in such great company for that night.


It makes me think-where will i be in a year? I definately am not where i though i would be a year ago.  Granted last year at this time i was still trying to figure out what i wanted.  Regardless, i never would have imagined i could have come so far--and fallen even farther. Somewhat of a paradox i'd say-and a little ironic.   


It's a new year, a new begining.  As humans we have the ability to change--i try to remind myself of that everyday, but its a real struggle.  I have the ability to make this next year anything i want it to be.  I can be happy, and i can be successful--i just need to be willing to be submissive to the Lord's will.  I need to learn real faith, believing that even though i do not know the end from the beginning like he does, that he will guide me in the right direction.


I need his hands, i need his strength, cause i surely cannot do this on my own.  


This sunday was great.  I heard Many things today that my mind AND heart needed to hear.  


It's a very emotional time right now--which is where another struggle comes into play.  Each day is a battle between devastation and bitterness and having hope believing that people are going to care what i am thinking and will want to be part of what is going on in my life.  I don't want to be bitter, but i also don't want to hurt anymore....when you open yourself up to others, you make yourself vulnerable and open to pain.  I'm trying to find the in-between--the happy medium so to say. 


Ok-i guess that is all for now--and for a while.  
Thanks for listening.