It's Beginning....

It's becoming more real. 
The next year of my life seems--bleak. 
I understand that good can still come, but not AS good as what i had, or could have had. 
I'm started in a direction i never thought i'd go--i wanted to be more successful. 
Less of a disappointment--to myself mostly.


I don't really know how to describe what i'm feeling, but i can assure you its nothing to be envious of. I've honestly never felt like this before.


I just need to get through this weekend. Then i'll have a place--a place where i somewhat belong and can just be for the next little bit.  


I'm going to miss my people. I ALREADY miss my people and they are still here! ha........such is life.

Amid The Struggle...

I am so thankful for parents--my parents. They are so kind. They are so Christ-like. They are so loving. They give me the comfort i need to make it through.


I am so thankful for my roommate and dear friend Ashley. She is such an understanding person. I love that we can be as goofey as can be, and yet, very spiritual and very serious when we have those late night--much needed--pow wows.  I love her so much!


I am so thankful for my roommate and lovely friend Sherilyn.  She is such a righteous example to me and SO VERY cute!!  She can make me smile and laugh and be happy in the morning--she can do the impossible! I love her so much!


I'm thankful that even when i don't feel i deserve it, the Lord helps me.  He sends the people i need when i need them. He still grants me with small tender mercies. I could not ask for anything more. 


Today, it feels more possible. Today is better then yesterday--that is success right there.  Day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. As long as there is progression--as long as i'm moving.  

I Try....

It's a struggle for me to become the person i want to be--that is expected.


However, tonight i failed. Horribly.


.....now the question is--how do i move forward?

Contemplative...

So i've been thinking a lot.


I can't wait for the semester to be over for a few reasons.
          a. school won't cause me so many stress headaches
          b. i can just work and save a lot of money and not       worry about other things for a little bit
          c. i can get my wisdom teeth out
          d. i can stop wondering if things are going to happen--ill just know one way or another


...i'm starting to think i'm not good enough.  I know i shouldn't have those thoughts but sadly they are slowly creeping in.  There are so many other MAGNIFICENT girls out there, right there for the taking.  What makes me think that he would be content with me? 


...i dont really have much to offer.  I just want goodness in my life, and that is what i see around that individual.  


sheesh i dunno.  Maybe it's just the stress of so much going on right now and the lack of sleep i am experiencing .  I feel a cold coming on :(  


I am a little scared to be here for the winter break by myself.  Not scared, just sad.  I DO like katy alone time, but that might be too much.  I'm going to miss "My People!"  


Seriously though.. Especially within the last couple weeks, we have become so close and shared such deep conversations--i'm addicted!  Not to mention the tickle fights. 


I'll be fine whatever happens. I am a strong girl and i can endure anything for a short and set amount of time.  


ok.........i just don't know............i'll go finish my HW now so i can go to bed hopefully before 3.........yuck.

Ashley Rittmanic...

So. She makes me laugh a lot. 


She makes me laugh when we are at restaurants on double dates, and she makes a chicken wing with her arm trying to get out of her coat--legit.


I love that she is SO ticklish.  It is way too much fun to torment her!


She brightens my day--and my work nights when i really don't want to be there.  She is awesome and i'm stoked to spend a holiday with her.  I'm even more excited for when she is going to come to colorado some day.


Most importantly--she reads my blog. I have a groupie.....not the gross kind though.  She just--likes me.  I like her.  We like Sherilyn.....its a roommate thing ;) 

Here's The Thing...

I want this too much.  


It's probably nothing tomorrow. Just seeing the new place, dropping things off. A quick hello and goodbye.  But until it comes i don't know.  That leaves room for possibilities.  Like things starting up again--or not.  I've been here far too many times.  I'm just scared. I honestly can't handle getting another awful text ending it yet again.....


so ya.  my excitement has turned into--i don't even know. Just not what i wish to be feeling right now.  


Faith. I need to have faith. Things are going to happen as they should.  Faith is knowing, not simply believing and hoping--knowing!

Breakfast In Bed...

That is how i started my morning.  Well actually i woke up about 8 and heard my one nursing major roommate, Megan, teaching all the other girls how to check for breast cancer....so i went back to bed.  Then at like 10 i awoke to my two favorite people in the apt Ashley Rittmanic and Sherilyn McGinnis saying "Wake up cute girl!" and they brought me breakfast in bed.  They are SO wonderful.  Then we all sat in our room and ate eggs and pancakes--SO GOOD!


Then Taylor said he would work for me at the Hart--WINNING!  It was so nice to be home for a saturday and to get laundry done, clean the kitchen, visit with people, hang out with friends, and do homework.  It was wonderful to not be on my feet ALL dang day.


Tomorrow i only have to work for 5 hours AND i get to go to church.  I'm going to see Adam after work--i'm neither looking forward to it or not looking forward to it....except that is a lie.  I've been looking forward to it all week--im just nervous.  Weird emotion to have i guess but it's just been a long time since i've seen him.  We'll see---no big deal...........


So ya.  School is kicking my butt. I need to get on that and catch the heck up! but i'll be able to within the next couple of days so we're good. I'm happy, Things are wonderful.


I went to the temple yesterday--started a new journal too....ya know, for the things a little too personal to put on here--yes there are even MORE personal things i dont share with the world believe it or not!  The temple was a very dear and sweet experience.  I plan on going again on tuesday--it'll be so good to go so often.  I can't even explain how happy i am about that!


Ok, girls night with Ash tonight.  I'm looking forward to it--especially after the awkward date last night with Tan Man--most awkward human being everrrrrrrrrrr. but it was still a lot of fun :)