Let Me Just Complain A Little...

So here it is.

1. i had a lot of HW to get done before work--got NONE of it done.

2. Found out, while at work, that i have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning.

3. I have Chik-fil-a training from 9am-1pm.

4. I work Sports Authority from 1-10pm

5. We have our pre date friends coming over tomorrow at 11 when i get home

6. I have two grades to bring up in the next three weeks

7. I'm a broke joke

8. i want a man

.....ok that last ones wasn't legit. But still--i knew that i would get overwhelmed eventually, but i have done a pretty good job at avoiding it thus far. Tonight just sucks a little.

Makes sense though, because i was on such a spiritual high, good things have happened today--then something just had to get me down.  

Im still happy, just really really overwhelmed--that will be over at about 3am i suspect ;)

I got my temple recommend today!!  I wasn't expecting it till MAYBE the end of the year. He said he had been praying about me and thinking about me a lot lately, and that he knew this is what the Lord wanted.  

Also, i'm really looking forward to sunday night--hopefully that isn't a mistake. Keeping it professional though, so it's not even a problem..........

Good Things...

"It was so risky and so scary, and yet at the same time, so beautiful. Maybe the truth was, it shouldn't be easy to be amazing. Then everything would be. It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth. When something's difficult to come by, you'll do that much more to make sure it's even harder--if not impossible --to lose."   -Sarah Dessen

Tis so true.  I really have nothing else to add to that. It kind of says it all.  It makes me feel as though i'm really doing something productive with my time and energy here.  Although i don't know who "he" is, i know that he is out there. I know that everything i am doing now to make myself better is going to be worth it--for him, for us, for eternity :)

Such A Roller Coaster...

Spiritually I need this.  These experiences that seem to hurt so much have caused me to find relief through fervent prayer, scripture study, and reliance on my faith in the Lord.  

It's the hardest thing for me.  When i hurt, i like to be irrational. I like to do the temporal things that make me feel better.  But i haven't--i've learned self control.  It is SO hard, but i feel in control.  I'm in control of my emotions and my actions for the first time in my life.  

It still hurts. The pain from any emotional blow has the same impact, but my reaction makes the recovery that much quicker.  

I'm thankful.  I'm thankful to still find happiness when in any other circumstance i would want to break down and be reckless.  I can breathe. I can function. I'm strong on my own--with the help of heavenly father of course--but i don't need other people's reassurance that i'll be ok...........i know i'll be ok.

Three weeks until the semester is over.  They are going to be the busiest weeks of my life! But bring it on--i'm ready.  I'm happy to be busy.  It keeps me sane and out of trouble.

Gym tomorrow at 5am!! yes, insane, but its honestly the only time i have to work out.  These days working out is the best way to relieve stress and get out frustrations----so to the gym i go!

.........this blog things is good. It's amazing how much better i feel after getting stuff out. I just wish i was better at journaling and writing it down.  But this is kind of the same right?  It works for now.  Good thing not too many people read this soap opera ;)

Adele Speaks To My Emotions....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbz6f_xGqWI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=SPFD7A960FB2BA4ADE 


This is an ADELE playlist on youtube. Man! she just knows all the right words to explain exactly what my little heart feels.


I've decided its time to move on.  Time heals all wounds right?  Well mine are still trying to heal, but they are getting better each day. I'm becoming happy with me again, and i am ready for new experiences!! In fact i am yearning for them--in an entirely healthy way of course :)


Being home has been SO good for me.   It has made me realize what is important, and what to not take for granted.  


I've decided i want to surround myself with people that love me, and care about me, and people who want me to be around them.  I love my Family, i love my devoted friends, and i am so thankful for the things they teach me without them even knowing.  


Going back to school will be better then i thought--although i wish i could just stay here in vacation world where things are easier and wonderful.  But alas i cannot.  I'm okay with that, because my Mr. wonderful awaits somewhere out there.  My education and career are desperately calling my name.  My future awaits, and i am pleased to greet it with a smile and willing heart and mind!!

Doing Much Better....

"3.Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come here- after, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

4.For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is night at hand."

                    -Doctrine & Covenants 58: 3-4

Today is much better.  Also, i was reading my scriptures and was given this friendly reminder. I love my heavenly Father.  I am so thankful for the resources he gives me to help get me through the tough times.  One of those great resources tonight was Ashley Rittmanic. Love that girl--she is so awesome!

Alos, i learned that faith is not simply believing or hoping that something will happen...rather it is a knowledge of something.

I have faith that whatever is suppose to happen with Adam will.  My heart is content with that--for this day anyways ;)

Meloncholy......

Hmmm....im just. bleh.

I feel so lame.  All i do is work. I can't keep a guy around to save my life. My grades aren't even that impressive.  I have nothing to offer people except maybe a ride around town, or favors sometimes.  

Most the time i'm able to understand that i'm still an interesting person that people want to be around. But i am surrounded by SO MANY strong personalities that i doubt my appeal to others.  I'm ok when i am doing things--like such as work. (I know that sounds stupid, "Like such as," but i meant for it to...).

Most days i am too busy to think about what is hurting my heart, but sometimes i do get a chance to stop, and breathe, and attempt to relax....to feel.  I don't like it.  I like just ignoring the icky feelings.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm not crazy.

  Just going through a rough time, Everyone has rough times, and sometimes they last longer than an hour, or a day, or a week--sometimes even more than a month.  That's what i keep telling myself anyways, it makes me feel less pathetic i suppose.

I'm learning--once again--to be happy with myself. If you can't handle single life, then there is no way you can handle married life.  

I want to be someone worth marrying, someone worth sacrificing for....worth spending eternity with.

........That is my focus right now. Between the ups and downs---i'm going to be a better me.

hmm..

"There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you."
— Charles Bukowski 

Sadly, i feel as though i'm slowly falling back into this mindset--maybe its just this awfully hard day. I guess we'll see

Here's The Deal...

Sheesh. I'm thankful for being a human being. I'm thankful for the emotions we can feel, and the passions we can have.  But sometimes, i just don't enjoy the hurt that comes with those things.

The boy and i are no more. That is ok though because he doesn't really know what he wants, and i need to be honest with myself.  

I want Adam.

I've known that the whole time. I've known that since April--if we're really being honest. 

Adam probably wants nothing to do with me anymore though--he seems very cold towards me whenever i see him; which is almost never, so i rather relish those occasions, except not really anymore because he never seems too happy to see me.

Anyways, i was reading in D&C section 52 and verse 4 said, "And inasmuch as they are faithful unto me, it shall be made known unto them what they shall do;"  I needed that.  It is a reminder that i simply need to keep being righteous.  I need to keep working on making myself worth having around instead of looking for someone else worth having around.

The Lord knows me personally--thank goodness--and he understands how i work, how i think, and how i cope.  He blesses me with the ability to handle everyday life in a way that is compatible with the person i am.   I am so thankful for his tender mercies.  I would not be able to successfully navigate my way through this turbulent life without divine guidance and protection--no way.

Hmph......

Well. Life is stressful. more so than usual, but.......it's all good i suppose.

I Got the job at Sports Authority, and i work 15-25 hours a week there, i still work at the hart 15 hours a week, and i just got the job at Chick-fil-a.  They are building a Chik-fil-a in Idaho Falls and it doesn't open until December.  I think i might need to quit at the Hart sooner than expected--cause working everyday for two weeks straight is kind of killing me.

Speaking of the hart......i'm having a hard time letting go of Adam. I think that is all that is appropriate to say about this in such a public place. but yeah, thats on my mind often!

I'm excited about life. About the possibilities that are placed before me.  It's just figuring out what i want, and not being afraid to go for it and take it!

..........church was great today. I SO needed to hear everything that was said.  I'm thankful for the Gospel and the blessings it brings into my life and those around me.  Mostly, i am thankful for the gift of the atonement and the infinite power that it has.  

ok....i feel as though that is all i can put together right now.